The term “incel,” short for involuntary celibate, was coined by, of all people, a lonely woman who went online 20 years ago looking for a shared compassion from others crippled by their loneliness. She blamed her forever alone status on being overweight and having bad skin. Seeking out others like her, she looked for what she called ‘non bloomers’ and the ‘perpetually single.’ That original mission to seek out others who were equally hopeless morphed into today’s misogynistic incel movement, and the resulting embrace by the Alt-Right. A tribal encouragement for incel violence is a running theme and nothing more than the channeling of their frustration, as their suffering is made worse by all the perfectness they perceive in society, and their lack of access to that perfection.
As technology has taken over our lives there has been a subsequent breaking down of conventional male-female interaction, leading to disconnected and warped expectations of males toward females. When men cannot understand women the next inclination is that companionship is not possible. When men express any form of strength or inherent masculine traits the next inclination is that said male is prone to violence. Being direct with your desires can be burdensome. When men show any advancement in a romantic way it can come off that men are forever horny and want sex all the time. There exists the belief among some women that when the situation arises that a male gets a female pregnant he is now prone to quickly exit the relationship and leave his baby mama to her own devices. Then the inclination that he is a child himself and we cannot expect him to successfully navigate the difficulties of fatherhood. His own childhood under the guidance of baby boomer parents would never allow for exposure to such real world trauma. He is detached, as if his life is nothing more than a video game and like in a video game nothing is real anyway. It is widely assumed that if he is fully emasculated it will be for his own good. That his desire for skinny jeans, for cocktails, for a man purse, for cute animal videos, for claims of male feminism, for gamma male status and highly filtered selfies, are all part of the vision and esthetic. By being giddy and silly we never need to scratch the surface. We can stay frivolous and never truly understand women and their needs. By not engaging the inner hunter-gatherer we can somehow avoid waking the beast.
Our main objective through natural selection is to mate. It is to navigate the recurring challenges of finding someone for the seed of life. Then the erotic challenges and misadventures that subsequently ensue in the evolutionary game. Sometimes the bad boy is what turns some women on, but, with that exception, showing any aggressive or hyper-masculinity tends to end with the masculinity being labeled toxic. This shaming rattles the sexual selection, and the universal mating patterns of millenia become derailed. The need for safe spaces from the aggression of unhinged males who express their emotions through video game violence or through inappropriate sexual activity, spurned by deviant behavior born from an early and often exposure to the world of porn. The litmus test being that no woman in her right mind is attracted to the unambitious, unemployed and hyper-emasculated male. Or is she? Can there be a blending of masculinity and social dominance, or does the man now need to become the child of the woman? The archetype of lover/son all-in-one now. Is this why men just being men were having their masculinity labeled as toxic, to allow for some new benevolent sexism, for a situation when a woman can better control her man? How involuntary is your celibacy?
Enter diabolical femininity. This is expressed through the woman keeping her man down. By being the provider, by calling him out in front of friends when he is acting up, by putting him down for his loser qualities, like his unemployment, like his online addictions, like his inadequate sexual prowess. This psychology allows the woman to do and say what she wants. To mother her boyfriend, to tell him when he is good but also to tell him off and keep him in a constant state of shame. More arrested development piled onto to so many other issues, it’s almost as if his development retrogrades in this humiliation loop.
We then lose sights on the feminine prize. We are supposed to now feel bad when we see feminine qualities, both physical and emotional. The very things that draw us in on an evolutionary level. The nice hips, the higher pitched voices. The meal prepping, the soft affection. But then we are brainwashed to think that if we acknowledge these traits and attributes as things we desire and turn us on we are now at risk of triggering those around us. Femininity should not be pathologized. Nor masculinity made toxic. Can we not embrace the diversity of males and females and when we find our common ground embrace the erotic and the resulting rush of dopamine from our mutual attractions?
Toxic masculinity has an unfortunate byproduct of involuntary celibacy. Better known as the “incel rebellion” by its members, it has become trendy and is trending because of recent violent terror acts being performed by incels, and because it is such a select club of shame that there exists a deep longing between members for some semblance of not feeling alone. The vocal incels are typically the ones with the most professed anger toward the women who will not sleep with them, and a greater anger at the world at large for not getting behind their cause. These men consist of a range from the dangerously angry to the fully emasculated. Most are timid and codependent beyond repair. These are not healthy men by any standards. These are men that cannot go out into the real world and make conversation with the opposite sex. These are men that fear women, that often hate women, that have a very twisted mindset of women because of the false and distorted portrayal of women in all the pornography that they have over consumed. They often talk of planning violence against women but rarely act out on the threat. They want to take down feminism in every form, reverting to an almost medieval treatment of women as second class citizens. The most extreme members sometimes even advocate for state-sanctioned rape. The takeaway from this is knowing that these men are troubled, they are pissed off, they are damaged, and they are not getting better. And now their remainings bits of masculinity are fully toxic, legitimizing the case for the toxic masculinity that runs amok in society.
Only knowing a world of rejection from the opposite sex, and no attempts to try and fix the resulting insecurities, we end up with a highly sexually frustrated adolescent population that hates women. They see girls as cruel. They blame females for all of their problems. They are dealing with issues and are trying to navigate their lives unaware of their codependence toward their mothers and their social anxiety and depression. They may have spent their entire teen years self-medicating with prescription drugs, weed, alcohol, or porn. This resulting state of arrested development has left them locked into that age when they began the covert and illicit activity. They may now be in the body of a twenty-something man, with twenty-something man needs and desires, but have the emotional intelligence of a twelve year old. This is dangerous and scary. Next is a body dysmorphia in how they see themselves physically. They convince themselves that they are indeed ugly, overweight, out of shape and physically inadequate. They cannot begin to compare to the male bodies they see in advertisements and film. Only hot men have sex with women. Only porn stars with waxed six-packs and big dicks. Incels will go online to incel groups and post pics of themselves asking for feedback from other incels. Often they are average looking guys but their dysmorphia, and their audience, does not permit them to see anything redeeming in their looks. It is as if they are convincing themselves that they are too ugly for a mate, too unattractive for the other sex.
But is there any point to this if the incels feel that sex is owed to them, that the government should provide for it? Is this sense of entitlement not just another sign of millenial abandon? Is this resentment nothing more than the result of living in an over-mediated society? When their own self-loathing manifests itself in their hatred for women, is this nothing more than a mental illness problem?
In the overactive mind of the incel is inherent self-gasligthing, the telling to yourself that the hot bitch isn’t worth it anyway and the conviction that relationships are for losers. Some incels believe they are superior to other males. This manifests from a sense of their self made narcissism to protect their egos from the stark reality of celibacy. Also the twisted logic that women (often referred to as “resources”) are prone to choosing loser males and not these superior incels. The idea that the incel offers the whole package is the most dangerous element of the entire movement. This idea that the nice guy never gets the girl. The running pent up aggression with the potential to explode at any time. An online manifesto. A torture session on a pet. A lashing out in public. Scary behavior that a parent is too afraid to report. Then possibly a rented van driven at a high speed into a farmers market. Or a school shooting, at a school the incel graduated from years ago. The thrill of rendering judgement then executing the punishment, ending in the ultimate virgin suicide. Eternally linking your name with mayhem and the victims. Something for the other incels to cheer on.
The incel believes they are owed everything and they are not expected to put out anything on their end to obtain the prize. Is this simply the result of being handed participation trophies throughout their lives? Is it the lack of accountability in a post-slacker generation? Has the collective nerve system of the Internet allowed for incels to have a place to congregate and discuss what feminism has done to sabotage their sex lives, and provide a forum for a sympathetic ear, for venting, and further manifesting their rage?
The exclusion that the incel expresses weighs down so hard that the result is a gendered violence, if not acted upon at least thought out in the mind. The rejection that really isn't there, the lack of drive from too much porn, the burnt out receptors of dopamine, the fear of women, the fear of rejection, the fear of female genitalia, the inferiority felt from too much comparisons to porn and the false narratives in a misogynistic mind. Friend zone equals death zone. A fixation on sex and the lack of access to it. The rejection of the idea of seduction of women because somehow seduction humanizes women.
The growing amount of incels from the new connectivity online, a radicalization of sorts. A virtual gang with the mentality of us versus them. The alt-right versus social liberalism. The desire for enslavement of women, in so far as the fair distribution of sex for all. The forever alone male’s ideation that women choose to go lesbian as an easy out, and the fantasy world that the incel inhabits as the real world manifestations are out of reach. The lies from the normal people to keep the incels from committing violence, the coping mechanisms in the promises that someday you will find someone and when you stop looking is when you will find her and sex isn’t everything. So why do the normies do it so often?
The incel needs to love himself before others can love him too. Victimhood status is easy and personal accountability is hard. Our society awards those who have a plan and commit to action. If somehow the incel can no longer be rewarded by his virtual community for his misbehavior and misogynistic thinking, and instead form a sense of accountability to his own betterment, then there can be personal progress. If he can simply take responsibility and stop listening to toxic ideologies. Reverse whatever he is doing. Begin exercising and a regimen of self care. Stop consuming porn. Commit to self love versus self hatred. Stop thinking that sex is the only ingredient of a fulfilled life. Work on his shortcomings and insecurities. Lessen his own self-rejection that allows for others to easier reject him. Nothing is simple and change will never come easily. Unless there is a turnaround in the movement, the number of incels will grow and the members will become much worse. Society at large will suffer further at the hands of them and their manifested anger at the world. Systematic change or more tragedy. You may have been failed at many points in your life but now your only hope is you. How voluntary is your celibacy?